Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes have been made to this blog. (Sing it, people!)

Gone is the old brown school-book-coloured blog. Now there is a whole new world to embrace. (sing it again!) As you can tell, I made liberal use of the colour palette and chose what my eye liked. It may not work well together, but it makes me happy to see the colours smoosh together to make a psychedelic thingamiebob of a blog.

I am up too late. I should be asleep. But I wanted to burn a few photographs to CD before the laptop A) disappears like it did a few weeks ago; B) crashes C) breaks and dies D) is used by the lady again. No names will be mentioned. She knows her effect on technology.

But now I am too tired to burn 'em, plus it means trawling through thousands and thousands of photographs and organising them, which is a nightmare I would not even wish on myworst enemy. I really, truly, unequivocally mean it. Ok, there might be one person...

I have decided that I will try a superhuman effort to blog again. It will help my writing alawt. I have given an arse's thought to my writing recently, and I must pay attention before my brain melts and drips off the top of my head like YogiSip. As you can tell, I am writing anything that pops into my head right now just so I don't stop and edit myself and tell myself that what I will write next is complete shite. Not horseshit cowshit dogshit, but reeeeal shite. (Sing it one more time!)

What have you lot been up to? If you are reading this, it would be great if you could comment and leave behind your trail so I can read your blog/s. I need to catch up really really badly. If your blog is about fairies and shite, don't bother. If it's about Marx and his ma, leave now. If it's in Afrikaans, I might peek into it. If you're writing about yo' kids, leave now and wipe your child's nose, cos that's just irresponsible. Blogging while gummy snot lingers at the edge your child's left nostril! Sies! All others are welcome to leave me some biscuity comments.

Sleep well, julle! Tot siens vir nou, liefies!

!Joe!

PS: the orange links make me wanna puke. Lemme change 'em.
PPS: I haven't added any MindMusic in a while. Here's one that makes me smile and sway like a hippie in a big green dress and orange satin headband...Andrew Bird - Oh No. Sing it when you hear it, whistle when he whistles...

The people that we like

While watching TV the other day, I saw something that made me realise that, in my short and nondescript life, I have had some weird crushes on a few weird people, many of them much older than me. Famous people that not many would see as being objects of short-term infatuations. I thought to myself, hmmm, maybe I should share this on my blog. Then I thought, should I share this on my blog? I stopped and thought of what people would think of me, whether they would still want to be my friend, knowing about the men I had found mildly attractive for short and sometimes regrettable periods of time. Then I thought, what if it would make some girls out there feel a little less inadequate about their slightly uncool or older man crushes? I would be doing a service to them, giving them a voice in a world of joe-jonas-loving young-man-grabbing girls, etc etc.

So here is my list of the sometimes strange, sometimes unlikely, and sometimes ok crushes I have had, followed by some explanation as to why I found them attractive:


Kevin Spacey - I know, you're thinking, why would anyone have a crush on Kevin Spacey! His American Beauty creepiness is all that sticks out in my mind right now. He falls into my seriously strange crush category. He had me at The Negotiator, when he played a cool and in control Chris Sabian (spelling needs to be checked). He was all bullet-proofed and demanding hostages and ordering people around, which really drew my teen men-are-a-mystery-but-i-still-like-em self in. Luckily for everyone, that crush ended as soon as it started, not sure what did it, but it ended and that is all ye need know.


I can't remember the other weird ones now, but there were a few who could never fall into the embarrassing crush category for me because I found them handsomely handsome at the time and they are poignant little markers on the timeline of my life, highlighting growth and discovery:

Ralph Fiennes - I’m beginning to realise my crushes were mainly older men...anyway, I had a massively large and hugely big crush on him. I first saw him in a movie called Game Show when I was in standard 4 or 5 (I was a child, yes, but I knew from nursery school that I was heterosexual). He was much younger then, and I was taken by the blondey brown hair, the intense stare and hypnotic smile. soon after he was in the English Patient, which for me was a double dream because he was in it and because of its Egyptian setting and I was at the height of my obsession with Egypt and archaeology at the time...I remember reading an article back then that compared his lips to that of rolled up silk stockings...or something along those lines. I remember thinking it was such an older lady description of it, I mean, 12-year-olds don't say that about their crushes, do they? Anyway, I thought he was the bee's knees and the tree's leaves and all that, and it was only when I was much older that the crush ended. I can’t remember how it ended, but I knew by then that that was how crushes worked, they came and went as they pleased.

Michael Owen - this is a crush many girls would understand. He was v. cute and one of the greatest players in the world back in the late 90s/early 2000s. I had pictures and kept my Simba chips plastic collector's piece of him from the 2002 World Cup for years. My friends would refer to me using his name, as girls do. It all ended when, just before a history exam (I think), I read his gf was having his bb (baby). It was not a terribly tragic moment for me, because I think the feeling was waning, but he must be included on this list, because he is woven into the tapestry of my good memories, hopes and dreams.

I will add more to this list, I’m sure there were more people, but I think I need some rest now. Please feel free to add your crazy or cool crushes in the comments page, I promise not to laugh online.

Love and the people that we love,

!Joe!

The swing

Hey everyone!


Ok, I think I was slightly too enthusiastic there...


Hi.


A leetle better...


Hellooooo.

That's just right :)

So I know a few of you have visited this bog of a blog and wondered, "Where the f%&k are you?" I have been busy switching careers for what must be the fourth time, I swear. Not many people get that luxury, and I suppose I should be grateful. My father laughed at me, saying that I've done lots of things in my somewhat boring life. The problem is, I don't remember much of what I've done. I remember the people, not the names, the jokes, not the practical experience. Could it be a sign of where I'm meant to be? As a few of you may know, I am a fan of theatre, and have harboured the secret and silently destructive love of it, and the desire to be wrapped up by it, within me for a good few years now. I think that many will tell me, "Get over it." I suppose I should. After my 26th will be a good time, I think.

In the mean time, there are a few sad/mad things I wanted to dwell on:

1. Adam Lambert coming second in AI. Kris was not bad, but an Idol winner needs to be out of this world.
2. Newcastle being relegated. :(
3. Sami Hyypia leaving LFC. :'(
4. Computer viruses and dumb supposed IT specialists who install virus software that has no serial number, rendering it virtually useless as your computer dies a slow and fragmented death.
5. People who make hundreds of copies of the same pictures on their computers and then adjust the settings on these pictures without having the technical expertise to do so. >:(

I'm sure there's more, but it'll have to do for now. I have to sleep and wake up in time to call the police, paramedics and a truck driver.

Love after a long time

!Joe!

PS: it feels really good to blog again :)

I say hello

Hi there.

It's been a long time.

Eek.

But I say hello because some people have been urging me to write again for a very very very long time. I'm hoping that writing one lousy post will help me get into the swing of things.

I also felt a bit awkward writing again, mainly because I know the kind of look my blog gives me when I stalk it once in a while. She accuses me with her brown wallpaper and fine font. She looks like a woman waiting for a man who never loved her, tired and helpless and desperate. Oh, well, she'd better get over it.

'Cos I came back and said hello.




!Joe!

LATE-NIGHT RADIO

The past few weeks have been crazy, wild-eyed weeks. I don't think I've ever had insomnia on this level before. It was so bad that even when I did manage to get a little sleep I was complaining, in my sleep, that I needed to sleep. And every morning, around five o' clock, the neighbours above wake up. There's the creaking open of a door somewhere, the soft slam shut, then the clicking of heels all over the flat, like they're looking for something. Then there's this sound, it sounds like the scattering of pearls from a broken necklace. At around 3 or 4 in the morning stray cats are fighting in the street, so the mangled meows keep me up, too. Sometimes I hear people gargling in their bathrooms, and of course, there are the cries of small children not wanting to go to school. Anyway, the point is, my building is more or less always alive, and when you have insomnia those tiny bumps and knocks sound like explosions or gun shots (in my area it could very well be gun shots).

I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to hear things that go bump in the night. So I put the radio on. Many would say, why not read, or watch TV, but reading keeps me awake, and despite having over 100 TV channels there's usually crap on in the early morning. Late-night radio can be comforting and entertaining and mind-numbing (ie: sleep-inducing) all at the same time. The "African-language" radio stations always play old R 'n B songs; I hear a lot of Babyface and Luther ("Before this night is o-over") at 3 in the morning. And on a few occasions I noticed that one of the stations played the same song by different people; they played Have I Told You Lately by Joe Cocker and an hour later some other unidentifiable man was singing it. Why do they do this? Do they think those who were listening 15 minutes ago are gone to sleep? 5FM is usually the best bet, unless Bob Sinclar, Sean Paul, Ne-yo or some dumb dance song is on, which sees me temporarily checking out other stations. ECR is the worst; I heard Next's Too Close, Will Young's Evergreen, and Toto's Africa (twice!) in one go. It's like eating old maas, fish curry, papaya and a big bag of liquorice all together. An audience that accepts such a dodgy and stale playlist are a few treffers short of a bokjol party. We really need to move on, how much more of the old stuff can we take? How can they play Toto, and twice in one night?! Radio 2000 plays songs like Islands in the Stream and instrumental easy listening crap. I've secretly been listening to SAFM, mainly because they link up with radio stations around the world, which means that you hear people with fun accents, namely, the Russian with the gruff semi-American accent, and the Chinese newscasters who really do change their "l"s to "r"s. The thing that gets to me about listening to the world broadcast is that everyone speaks in hushed tones, like they know everyone in your house is asleep. And it sounds a bit like they're broadcasting from a cupboard. And they're way too clever for 3 AM. Recently they spoke to Jerry Seinfeld about his Bee Movie, and the interviewer was very serious and analytical about it, even his laughter sounded academic. I always seems to hear Tamil songs on Lotus during the early hours of morning - that's a little note for you, MJ :)


So late night radio helps me get over my insomnia to a certain degree. But I had the displeasure of hearing a freaky song a few weeks back: there I was, unable to sleep and french-braiding my hair, admiring my freshy-Veeted armpits in the mirror at the same time, and listening to the radio, (I know, I'm such a multi-tasker). A song came on, and I recognised Usher's voice. I'm not an Usher fan, so this was the first time I'd heard it, perhaps the rest of you have heard it before and this is like stale naan to you (I found these lyrics on AZ Lyrics, thanks, man.):

"Dot Com"

[VRS1:]Ooh, I love the way you dirty type

I can take you home on escape

Ooh, I need your backspace in my life

Thank God you don’t have a flat screen

[VAMP:]Please, baby I got to see you

And I really wanna please you

So get on my laptop so I can download

[HOOK:]Online, I love the way you log on

We can do it all night

I’ll make you dot com

Baby, if you sign on

I'ma make you light up

Ooh, Baby, if you log on

I’ll make you dot com

[VRS2:]I wanted to link up with you, baby at first sight

With you I get to use my f keys

I can’t wait to give you mega bytes

I got all the memory you’ll need

Let my fingers do the talking

[VAMP:]Please, baby I got to see you

And I really wanna please you

So get on my laptop so I can download

[HOOK:]Online, I love the way you log on

We can do it all night

I’ll make you dot com

Baby, if you sign on

I'ma make you light up

Ooh, Baby, if you log on

I’ll make you dot com

[BRIDGE:]Ooh, baby you want this I know

I can’t wait to give you my hard drive

My moonlight

If It’s alright, baby

I’m always at your window

Ready to shift and control you

If you want me to

Say yes, baby x4

Got to say, ooh

Say yes, baby

Say yes, baby

You got to say yes,

Yes

[VAMP:]Please, baby I got to see you

And I really wanna please you

So get on me baby, get up on me, oh

[HOOK:]Online, I love the way you log on

We can do it all night

I’ll make you dot com

Baby, if you sign on

I'ma make you light up

Ooh, Baby, if you log on

I’ll make you dot com

What the hell. Apparently it was released in 2005; I couldn't find much information on it besides the fact that it was not included on any of his albums. Perhaps I'm missing the point and not appreciative of suggestive language, but it sounded dof to me. Let me know what you think.

But, the insomnia seems to be slipping away, I've slept like an overweight and newly-fed baby the past week. Besides radio, I've also tried hot Milo, and these marvellous yellow pain tablets which knocked me out almost immediately. No, I did not take them for my insomnia, I was in pain from an emerging wisdom tooth...Speaking of teeth, I am currently stressing over mine, having knocked them in a bumper car incident on Sunday (don't even ask). They look fine, but as a former braces-wearing girl, I tend to get paranoid about my teeth. My dentist appointment is coming up, I'll have him take a look...

Love, radio waves and great teeth for all,

!Joe!

Friends at Nando's: A True Yet Fictitious Story

MJ tells the gang in Nando's about the Pantene contract he landed...




MJ: So, yeah, I went for this awesome Pantene TV audition, and the bastards loved me, I tell you. Literally grabbed the hair off my 'nads.


SHIRAZ: dude, you told me this on mxit last night.

MJ: (ignores Shiraz) I wasn't even going to audition, but they saw my hair a few months ago at a one of these media seminars, do you remember how long I had left it? Yeah, they loved it so much they called me up...I was the only coolie among all of these blonde rugby players, and...


Q: Godddd,if I hear this story one more time i think i will puke out some chicken strips and rice with potato wedges and assorted dip...if I look in the other direction, and pretend the wall and it's every brick is bewitching, I'm sure he'll stop talking...Please, someone, change the subject now! I should have brought that Greek chocolate with me, I knew it...

Shubnum: I needed a plate like yesterday...how do they expect me to eat my KFC?

Waseem: I hope they bring my food soon, I'll give MJ some of my burger and then he'll stop talking about his Pantene thing...maybe I can use my eyes to signal to Shiraz and convince him to share chips with MJ and get him to stop talking...or maybe I can share the mousse with him when it comes...he does have good hair, though, and I don't mean that in a gay way...

MJ: Go on, feel it, Waseem, feel it, I just washed it...

Waseem: Uh, no, hehe...he...no.



Love and memorable ex-peri-ences,


!Joe!

Prentjies Vir Julle!

I hope my Afrikaans was correct, my second-language capabilities have deteriorated...I used to be so fluent I was almost a Jeandre Oosthuizen...I hope no one googles that, ooh...

Someone threatened to pee on abandoned blogs, so I am posting to prove that this blog has not been abandoned, only slightly neglected in that "I'm going to party don't wait up don't forget to change your sister's nappy and do your homework" way. So here are some pictures I thought I'd share because I share things, besides men and underwear, cos that's wrong and gross respectively.

PRENTJIE 1!

I saw this in the Times on Thursday...it's an ad for an incense factory/shop thingie:

So, they have incense sticks named after P Diddy songs...even the homeopaths can't escape. I was surprised to see they sell cannabis sticks...imagine what future kathams will be like...

UNCLE 1: Woah, you are the uber-dada for bringing me kheer in this cup of cups! (peers into polystyrene cup)

UNCLE 2: Kheer?

UNCLE 1: Ya, and you got it before the ladies, our duas have been heard, first unbroken jalebi, now fresh kheer ...this house is so blessed, B-L-Essed man...

UNCLE 2: (mystified) But...I brought dhall, man...

UNCLE 1: Woah...that's so Biblical...(stares at uncle 2 with new-found respect) you are the uber-dada...

Not like kathams aren't like that, anyway...

PRENTJIE 2! En 3!

So Mary J Blige was here a few weeks back, and like, duh, you can't take a camera inside the ICC, so like, duh, we used a cellphone...hence the stolen footage look of these pictures...and as is the case with Mary, we all got lessons in not needin' a man, movin' on wich yo' life, and lovin' yo'self...and we shared in her pain, her joy, her triumph, her dramas... I find No More Drama plays in my head whenever I come across melodramatic situations and people...so obviously I had to go :) I also think she's one of those artists you have to see live or you'll regret it forever...No, Enrique doesn't count...he was on the following night, and I don't feel like I missed out on anything...

Mary was, to quote MJ, "awesome." Mary loved us, too, she told us, "you don't know what y'all have done for me...I was down..." and she bent down and cried...she sang her 90's stuff, like Real Love (there was a mass sing-along for this as well as I'm Going Down...well, for many others too, but these were well-sung sing-alongs...) and her newer ones, like Be Without You, One (minus U2), and We Ride. My sis, ever-tiny dancer that she is, danced with people surrounding her, and even managed to find out that one of the ladies next to us came to the concert with a slimey work colleague she did not like, who apparently, had too much to drink. That's my sister for you... I tried recording some of Mary on my phone, but when I got home and played it back, all I could hear was my sister's voice, singing along to No More Drama...really badly...When Mary disappeared without singing Family Affair, sister and new friend on her right complained loudly...Mary came back (not that she'd heard us), dressed in a yellow top, and sang, among others, Family Affair...

And then she was gone, the concert seemingly over...People started "Mary! Mary! Mary!" -ing, and all of a sudden, Busta Rhymes popped up on the screen, (pre-recorded stuff) and asked if if we wanted to see more Mary...well, duh, Busta, we shouted back. "I can't hear y'all!" he said a few times...All of a sudden, the floor started shaking with "Touch It"...the bass was unbelievable, my rib cage and my teeth were literally moving inside (gotta love that bass!)...and Mary J re-emerged, prancing all over the stage, her voice showing no signs of fatigue...she also proved that with a voice like hers you don't need a grand stage, spectacular lighting and numerous costume changes; all she had was her band. That's entertainment for you, to quote someone who said that. She did not sing All that I Can Say, which I was waiting for, but I loved the concert anyway...My pa missed it, poor thing listens to The Breakthrough in the car all the time...he loves telling everyone "Take Me as I Am," especially when he farts alot :D But I tend to relate stories with all its details added (not here though), so it's almost as if he was there:)

So I blogged, yeah baby! I must go, it's very late, and I have an interview tomorrow morning, ooh...I am so nervous man, so any duas and cakes of consolation would be appreciated...I'd like the duas more though. Please let me remember what I want to be doing in 10 years time (in case they ask)...

Love, Mary J, P Diddy incense, and successful job-obtaining interview luck,

!Joe!